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Diary of a Mad Black DJ 104: Dear Black Women, Black Men Don't Owe You or Own You...

Dear Black Women, Black Men are NOT here to Heal You, Protect You or Give You Advice.

Stop seeking their approval

Stop asking their permission

Stop bending for them to stand

Black Men Don't Owe You, the Same Way That They Don't Own You.

Disclaimer: If you understand the camaraderie of humans regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, race, class, belief system- then this post is not for you. I want to reiterate that I do believe that women and men both need each other to coexist. However, the moment that one group of people believes that they are superior or dominant to another- that's when things become toxic.

I'm sure that you all have seen this video. Everyone has their varying opinions on both the host and the caller. But I would be remiss to refrain from pointing out that this is not the first time in media history that a caller has called into a show to discuss a different topic than the designated theme for the program. However, this is probably one of the most cringe worthy times that a host took it upon themselves to mock a "teachable moment" by using it as an excuse to publicly tear down a client for clout. The lack of empathy and professionalism of the "host" are only proceeded by his boorish advice.

"That's the problem with you black b!tches..." - "Life | Style | Coach"

I've tried to watch this video twice and I still can't make it to the end. I'm not going to spend this article pointing out the many fallacies of the host; but to be frank, if you put misogyny, homosexual repression and insecurity in a suit it would look a lot like this guy. Instead, I'll skip "the problem" and focus on steps to the "the solution". I am more concerned that this young lady has forsaken self reflection, self healing and soul searching to instead subjugate herself to the abusive banter of a YouTube blogger parading as a Life Coach.

Basically, the story goes as this... a woman called into a streamed video show for advice about dating. The host is clearly upset that her questions aren't on topic, but agrees to take the call anyway. The caller is a successful business owner making 6-figures (in North Carolina, btw); but she is having trouble finding a man that meets her standards. Further, she only seems to attract men that immediately disregard her success and insist on "manappropriating" her company. Her intention is to solve this problem by seeking advice from a life coach.

Why would a woman of her caliber so desperately seek and need the approval of a dolt in the dark? Why didn't she virtually "grab her purse and leave"? Why didn't she stand up for herself? Why did she yearn for the validation and protection of this misguided brother? To be frank...why wasn't she her own protection? (WE'VE SEEN HOW BLACK MEN PROTECT BLACK WOMEN!)

I'll tell you why, because she, like most black women, was scared into not being able to "keep a man". Being able to "keep a man" extends beyond "keeping" his physical presence, but also, in this case, it also includes keeping him in conversation, in sexual desire or in good graces- for his approval. So, God forbid, that you ever become a "she can't keep a man" woman. It's like the scarlet letter of the black community. Black Women who stand up for themselves and who call out men on their bullshit are often seen as aggressive, uppity and too independent. The opposite is beyond encouraged and preferred, it's damn near revered. Women who stick with the same man even at the cost of her own sanity, health and spiritual well being- are like goddesses. He beats her, he lies, he sleeps with everyone else but his wife; but she is a good woman because they've been together 50 years.

Ancestral trauma has "tamed" black women into accepting any black man straight, available and alive. For so many years we've lost black men to lynchings, police violence, the prison system, other men and white women (I'm speaking in factiously with the later two, obviously. DON'T COME FOR ME TROLLS, it was joke.) Because of this fact; many parents raise their daughters to believe that not only are there slim pickings; but also, you have to "hold on" to any-old-body that "picks you" - ask any pick me! LOL!

Now we have this endless sea of black men who believe that not only are women dispensable, but should also "take what they can get". Entitled black men constantly hurl their privilege on the only population of people that they can abuse and beat up on without rebuke- black women. White men continue to enjoy their boundary with black men due to their skin over their shared cis identity; while white women will always be the more preferred affirmative action candidate over black men. So where else can the black man tap into his privilege and get his moral Harvey Weinstein on?


When I went off to college, a good bit of the aunties gave me some advice "if you don't find your husband in college, you won't find him at all." My guyfriends got very different advice from those same aunties "get your education so you can make some good money, and have fun." Well, why can't I "have fun?"- I thought.

Why aren't girls encouraged to date? What imaginary chastity slavery panties are we putting on young women to make them think that the first boyfriend will be their husband? Why are girls groomed to visualize a prince charming in every guy that we meet? Further, what's so tabu about encouraging girls to date around and not settle down too soon? What's so wrong about dating 3 guys at once without being called a hoe...Kevin Hart!!!! (BOPs away, lol). And why do we as black women always have to confine ourselves to only dating black men? And what's wrong with just dating ourselves sometimes? Self love is key, you know. <3

It's time for black women to step out into the light from under the dark shadow of black men. Girlfriend, he does not owe you anything- not even an explanation. The moment that black women begin to understand that we are the primary warriors and protectors for ourselves, the more safe we will be.

THIS IS NOT A WE DON'T NEED A MAN JOURNAL. On the contrary we do need men, (and they need us). But we cannot be unequally yoked with men. If we aren't both fighting and loving just as hard for each other, then it's all for not. I've spent the better part of my life fighting for young black men (and women) from community centers to world renowned theaters. And I've always considered myself black, woman and queer- in that order. But in 2019, that belief changed. That order was altered the moment that I realized the brothas identify with their gender more than their blackness at the expense of black women. And in that respect, black women, who champion everyone in their struggle, were alone in their own.

Which brings me to my point...the Solution:

Black Women are the answer to Black Women's Issues. Black Women OWE ourselves!!! Black Women OWN our own destiny. While we appreciate our white sister allies and our black brothers supporting; ultimately, the same way Black Women show up and save everybody else, we have to show up and save ourselves. Don't just clap back, clap HARDER [FOR HER].

Black women asking black men for advice, healing, or guidance is just as ill-fated as Black Americans asking identity advice from White People. Therefore, black women (all women for that matter)speak up for yourselves and speak out for each other. Remember that your silence won't protect you, neither will your submission. Why ask for answers from a man, when you can find the answers within?

PS Also, stop mislabeling feminism. Feminism does NOT place women above men, nor does it emasculate men, it seeks for equality across genders...looks at Candice Owens!

Wanna leave you on a good note...Frank Ocean gave us this masterpiece visual album although 2020 did not deserve it

1 Comment

Dana Cooke
Dana Cooke
Dec 18, 2020

I've been preaching this gospel in earnest since Steve Harvey tried to bill himself as a relationship expert for bleak women.

If black women shift 50% of our attention from everyone else and to ourselves, we'll get major shit done. And when the collective healing starts...

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